Working with what I got

Five years ago I was sick and tired of being morbidly obese. I was about 450 pounds at the age of 22, and I just couldn’t take it anymore. I wanted to be a mom one day, and not the one that was too large to be a good one. I didn’t want to be fearful of things like heart-attacks and strokes in my mid thirties, and I wanted to be able to do the things in life I really wanted to do. I said fuck off to all the people who thought I was taking the easy road and got the surgery. In a little over a year I lost 130 pounds. I was still overweight, but I looked really good, and I felt amazing.

Shortly after I got pregnant, and for the first four months into my pregnancy I was determined to eat healthy. Unfortunately for me I had IUGR, meaning my unborn baby wasn’t gaining weight properly. My midwife urged me to eat higher calorie, higher fat foods. I wasn’t happy about it, but I had to put my feelings about eating healthy aside so my baby could gain weight. Problem was, after I had my son, I  didn’t really change my diet, and I gained 60 pounds.

I let it consume me. I was depressed and my self-confidence level was zero. So I started eating better and working out and I lost 40 pounds. I wanted to lose more, but I hit a road-block. I was experiencing hormonal imbalances, and was having a very difficult time losing more weight. I also started having back problems again, and it was making it very painful for me to work out. Again, I let this consume me. I became depressed again, and my self-confidence dropped down to zero again.

It didn’t help that I know people who are big into fitness and don’t believing in “coddling” fatties. There’s no reason not to be fit, there’s always time and a way to work out no matter your situation, and there’s no excuse not to eat “clean” or “paleo”. I let their opinions and their lifestyles make me feel worse about myself, which isn’t their fault at all, it was mine.

I’ve realized something very recently. You hear fitness buffs say that you can be thin and still be unhealthy. Well why can’t you be bigger and also be healthy? Your weight does not determine your level of health. I might be overweight, but I do not have high blood pressure, I eat well-balanced meals, I don’t eat junk food, I get physical activity, etc. Except for my weight, I am healthy. And before you think to yourself, fuck you no you’re not, my doctor, who’s pretty smart, says so.

I still have goals to get down to a healthier weight. By no means am I justifying being overweight. But I am choosing to love myself as I am. I am choosing to continue to do what I’ve been doing, which is eating well and getting physical activity. I’m not going to become obsessed with fitness, I’m not going to weigh myself every week, and I’m not going to count calories. I don’t want to. I work hard, I’m an awesome mom, and I want to live my life the way it makes me happy. It doesn’t make me happy to obsessive over meeting my goals. And it certainly doesn’t make me happy to let myself be disappointed and have low self-confidence.

I love who I am, my fat and all. And I make no apologies.

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