Today my mom and I went to go visit my grandmother, whom I am extremely fond of(I hope you sensed the sarcasm there…). My grandmother and I don’t exactly see eye-to-eye, but she enjoys seeing my son. Or at least I think she does…she didn’t acknowledge his birthday, but anyway. There are certain things that go on in that house when I visit that annoy the shit out of me. The first being that she talks way too much about the self-help book she wrote and how it’s going to save the entire world from things like rape, murder, and suicide. Really, she does think that. She also talks way too much about politics and how Obama is going to destroy America(but I’m sure the sale of all her books will prevent that). The most annoying thing, that drives me bat-shit crazy, is that she and her boyfriend(ick, gross) seem to think they get to take over my role as a parent while I’m there.
It’s pretty nightmare-ish taking a two-year old to a house where there are lots of breakable stuff. I have heart palpatations the entire tine. But I manage to keep him from breaking and getting into shit the whole time. My grandmother and her boyfriend always forget that he’s a pretty well-behaved toddler. They constantly remind me how expensive everything is that he’s standing within three feet of. That’s a $200 vase. That’s a $300 lamp even though it looks like we got it from the dollar store. You should make sure he doesn’t touch those, they are older than Jesus. I was there, I would know. I know I don’t own nice things. It’s not because my two-year old would break all of it either, I just don’t wish to spend a ridiculous money on crap just because it makes me look like I’m rich.
I must be invisible, or they must think I’m not mentally present. I’m following my kid around, and as soon as he gets within a few feet of something, they’re telling him no. HELLO I’M STANDING RIGHT HERE YOU ASS-HAT. I even remind them very politely not to worry, that I will make sure he will not be touching their expensive things. In my head I’m thinking, what do you think I’ve been doing for the last two years? Letting him get into and break whatever he wants? Uhhh, no! I’ve done a really good job so far making sure he is well behaved and not disrespectful of other people’s things.
Even outside in the backyard, her boyfriend was on him like a hawk everywhere he went. The back yard is fenced, he’s not going to hurdle the fence and make a run for it. Apparently two-year olds shouldn’t pick up rocks, either. Maybe he thought my son was going to grab one and chuck it at one of the windows or something.
My grandmother always tries to make me feel guilty by telling me that she wishes she would see Kylan more. Well, gee, as far as I knew you didn’t really like seeing him all that often since you never call and say hey, I’d really love to see Kylan this week. She never wants to come over to our house, either. I think she is afraid the plague has hit our house. Besides, I would probably be a lot more motivated to go over there more often if you people weren’t so effing annoying. Sheesh.