Best toys for kids, my ass

On Parents.com, there is a slide show I saw this morning called “Best Toys for Kids under 5”. I am always on the hunt for new and interesting toys for Kylan. He’s picky with the toys that he  likes to play with, a lot of the time they just sit around, unused.

The list of toys was a huge, annoying let down! Most of these toys wouldn’t be found the least bit interesting to a child under the age of 2, so I don’t know where the hell they got the idea that all these toys would fit in the infant to 5-years old range. I am assuming the children they tested these toys on are total simpletons. And what the fuck, none of these toys are electronic. What exactly is wrong with electronic toys? Kids like lights, sounds, and obnoxious tunes coming from their toys. Most parents are so against the use of electronic toys, like it makes them seem like a bad parent or something.

Anyway, I have some beef to pick with these toys!

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Weird ass bike thingy, with a weird ass name. This looks like a freaky smiley face animal. How exciting, the child sits on it and pushes it around. Woopty freaking doo. The highlight, according to the slide show, is that it won’t mark the floors. If you can’t handle marked floors, stained furniture, and broken shit, you have no business being a parent.

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A wooden pull-toy. I’m pretty sure my son would hold the string, and spin around in circles, and let go as the toy would fly across the room, immediately breaking into God knows how many pieces.

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Oh joy, a plush cube that comes with cards telling your child to clap five times, make a funny face, etc. Yo Gabba Gabba can tell them to do that, and it doesn’t cost you $20.I wonder how many minutes the cards would last before being chewed on, bent, and torn apart.

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This is a fancy ass pillow with crinkle-cloth, teething rings, a mirror, and a whoozit. What the fuck is a whoozit? This toy is 35 freaking dollars. No, thank you.

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Build-a-bouquet thingy. This toy is made from recycled milk jugs. Why is it that cheap ass toys made out of recycled cheap ass materials have to be so expensive? This toy comes with dozens of flower, leaf, and stem pieces that are sure to end up all over your house. For only $27.

 

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