Restaurant nightmares

Since having the lap band surgery, I do not go out to eat very often. I can’t eat much of anything I order, not to mention most restaurants somehow manage to make a salad that has 900 calories. I have no effing idea how they do it! I bet they have calorie sprinkles that they shake the shit out of all over the food before serving it. Anyway…. Since becoming a mom, I have a new reason as to why I rarely go out to eat; because it’s a fucking nightmare.

I feel so bad for the servers that have to deal with me on the occasion that I do take my son to a restaurant. Imagine you’re hiking in the woods. You’re enjoying nature; it’s beautiful, quiet, and you’re enjoying the sight of the animals. All the sudden you see a bear coming at you. That’s the look I typically get from a server as soon as they are walking towards our table. Yeah. They know exactly what they’re getting themselves into, and they’re scared shitless.

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Don’t get me wrong, Kylan is a very well-balanced toddler. But that all goes out the window as soon as we set foot in any restaurant. I think there may be something in the air that sets him off, I don’t know. He absolutely despises the high chairs, he acts like a person might act if they were unexpectedly put in a straight jacket. He squirms, cries, and bangs his hands violently on the table. But in the booster seat, he refuses to sit still, and tries his best to get out and run around the restaurant. Forget sitting him in my lap. He slams the back of his head against my damned collar-bone, kicks the bottom of the table, and screams like a banshee on crack-cocaine. Any attempt to give him crayons and one of those little coloring pages is useless. The boy absolutely loves to color, but he is not the least bit interested when in a restaurant. He throws the crayons across the table and crumples up the paper. I figure I’ll give him a fork or spoon to play with, but no. The only piece of silverware he’s interested in are the sharp-as-fuck knives. God forbid the restaurant we are at has the cups with lids for kids. Give him a regular cup and he tries his absolute best to knock it over and spill his milk or juice all over the table. Sometimes he succeeds. It’s awesome. I pray to the sweet baby Jesus that the oncoming food will save me from the nightmare I am experiencing, but of course not. He doesn’t want to eat the food, rather he tries to drink the ketchup that comes with his fries, and throws the rest of the food on the floor. Thanks sweetie! Meanwhile, I’m lucky if I get three or four bites out of the food I’ve ordered. On top of everything, I get looks from other people like my kid is the biggest brat in the universe. And to be honest, I don’t really blame them for feeling that way. If your only experience around my son was the same as the poor people who are lucky enough to sit next to us, you’d think my kid was out of control, too. 

But tonight Kylan really surprised me. For the most part, he sat happily in his booster seat at the table and colored with his crayons. He drank his milk without making a gigantic mess, and he actually ate his food. He was so pleasant, that other people sitting around us were gushing over how cute he was. He did get a little restless during our meal, but was very content when I took him over to this seating area in the restaurant, and we played 1-2-3 toss the toddler on the couch. For once I was able to tip our server the normal amount, rather than giving him a guilt inspired $10 tip. It was great.

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The best part was I was able to eat ALL of my food. It was fan-fucking-tastic. And it was really delicious, which is awesome, because there aren’t really any great restaurants in this town. Being as it’s a small city, there are really only chain restaurants like Applebee’s, Chili’s, and Olive Garden. A few weeks ago a new restaurant opened called The Lodge Sasquatch Kitchen. I don’t know what the fuck is up with that name, but whatever. The food was really great. I am obsessed with buffalo wings, so I ordered the buffalo chicken-wich. So good! My mother ordered the prime rib, and her ex(for some reason she feels the need to include him in family stuff, ugh) ordered the buffalo meatloaf. We will definitely be going back, and I have hope that eating out will be more of a pleasant experience for me from now on. But we shall see!

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