50 shades of closure

Last week I wrote about my best friend in life(you can read it here if you’d like, to get a better picture). It was short, because I’m an emotional person, and sometimes I allow my emotions to get the best of me. But that’s pretty typical for a lot of woman, fuck I hate being typical sometimes.

Everyone reaches a point in their lives(or several points) when we are dealt the massive shit card. Life hates us, or so it seems, because everything appears to be so awful. It’s something everyone goes through. Some have it worse than others, but we all experience. We deal with it one of two ways; either we allow that massive shit card to make us better people, stronger and more confident, or we allow that massive shit card to take over our lives and make us bitter and angry.

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When I met my best friend 11 years ago, he was going through a lot in his life. But he was happy, and he was strong. Over the years his life was a bit of a roller coaster, and yes, he was dealt the massive shit card more times than a person should have to deal with. But at a certain point, he allowed the massive shit card to take over, and he became a bitter and angry person. It didn’t reflect the way he treated me as his best friend immediately, but it happened. When it did happen, I tried my best to be understanding. I tried my best to remain by his side and see him through it. But once I had my son, I couldn’t do it anymore. I am a single mom, and I had a little life to think about. As it was I was dealing with my own massive shit card, and I just didn’t have enough room on my shoulders to carry mine, his, and be a good mom. And so I let go.

Now it has been nearly two years since I let the burden of a bad friendship go. But the thing was, I didn’t really let go. I was carrying around emotional baggage from the broken friendship. I have been full of doubt, wondering if I had made a mistake, or if I had been missing out on something by ending our friendship. The only way I really knew how to deal with it was to love him anyway, whether he was present in my life or not. My doubt kept me from being able to move on. And because our friendship ended so abruptly, I never had any kind of closure.

A few days ago I was playing around on Facebook, and in the “people you may know” section was my best friend. My stomach sank. Since our friendship ended, I have not once seen him around town, as he is a bit of a shut in. He has always been against the idea of being part of social media, so I never had to face seeing his activity on Facebook due to our large amount of mutual friends. In a way, it was like he didn’t exist anymore. But suddenly, he did exist, and my curiosity led me to look at his Facebook page. I was heartbroken, and suddenly I began to feel very angry. Here I am, filled with doubt and sadness, almost two years later. And he appeared to be smitten. A rush of emotions flooded my heart, and I felt a deep amount of pathetic, heart-wrenching sadness.

After much thought, I decided to send him a message. I needed to confront him on the hurt he caused me, but I also wanted him to know that I still love him and care about him to the point where I think about him often. I had to intentions of trying to regain what I had given up, because that ship sailed off into past for a very good reason. I just very greatly needed for him to know how I felt, and a big part of me wanted to know how he felt as well. When I hit the send button, I wasn’t sure if he would reply or not. But if he did reply, I was pretty sure what to expect. As I mentioned before, he became a very bitter and angry person. I knew that if he would reply, it would likely be a bitter and angry one. But I am a hopeful person, and a small part of me hoped his reply might surprise me.

He did reply late that night. To my disappointment, it was what I had expected. He had informed me that he has since moved on, and that he has surrounded himself with people who understand him and want to be in his life. According to him, I blame him for the bad things that have happened in my life, and that I believe I am a perfect person who has done nothing wrong to contribute to the problems in our relationship. He included some very generic well wishes, including “I hope your kid is doing well”, and “I wish the best for you”.

I was hurt, I can’t deny that. But all this time, I have wondered if I made a mistake by ending our friendship, and I’ve wondered if I have been missing out on something. But his response made me realize that I did not make a mistake, and I have not been missing out on anything. I thanked him, because his response gave me the closure I needed. I poured my heart into the email I sent him, and he slapped me in the face with insults and generic well wishes. Sometimes you don’t need answers to gain closure from someone to hurt you, you just have to see how much of an asshole they are to gain closure.

I woke up the next morning, yesterday morning, feeling wonderful. I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I finally let go of the emotional baggage I’ve been lugging around this entire time. I can move on now, and I can be confident in my decision to end the friendship in the first place. He is not the person I met 11 years ago. The pictures of the man in my scrapbook is gone, he does not exist anymore. All I can do is hold on to the memories of the person he was, and without denial, recognize the person he has become.

Our falling out was a massive shit card I had been dealt. I am not going to let it make me bitter or angry. I will be a stronger person for it.

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